Feb 8, 2012

“Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking through your stuff.”

Feb 6, 2012

Whether they ever find life there or not, I think Jupiter should be considered an enemy planet.

Jan 23, 2012

“I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed shrink is our friend.”

Jan 6, 2012

“If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell you this, but that's another weakness”

Dec 14, 2011

“I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices and just laugh at people.”

Dec 7, 2011

“When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.”

Nov 8, 2011

“I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.”

Oct 26, 2011

To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad...

Oct 24, 2011

If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them...

Sep 29, 2011

How shoddy fertility drugs are creating a new breed of gang and wreaking havoc with police lineups. "Delinquent quintuplets," next on...