Faire and my Paradox

I hate faire...... Really I do....... Not sure why I do faire some times cause I lose sleep for weeks on end, I get fustrated at the diffrent things that go on at faire and I wonder why I am there.... And I hate people. I love the cloths.... Hate the cleaning and the fading..... I look like crap this year and feel rough going out in front of people wearing what I have.... Its a wonder I haven't been kicked off cast for my crapy costume..... Last year it was nice this year it looks like shit and is going down hill in a hurry....... on top of that I really feel as if I suck at this whole faire thing I mean really.... I am scary big...... I sound like a titan..... I am a extroverted introvert with sever fear of crowds because stupid people scare the shit out of me..... and even at faire I feel a little like a wierdo..... Isn't that one sad I am surrounded by 10,000 freaks and I still feel out of place...... Maybe I am just whining.... Maybe I am just tired and need sleep and see none coming in the future.... Who knows but right now I am not happy with my life..... I hate my job.... I hate my past time.... I want to go home. To bad I don't remember the way home any more its been just to damn long...... And for that thought most of home was wiped out about a year ago. Sigh