What follows is a session log from Roll20 of our last game with Venger, and may be disturbing for some readers. Others will laugh at the satire and parody of the entire venture. You can read about the first session here.
It is NOT SAFE FOR WORK, YOUR KIDS OR YOUR MOM.
Note that we at the Wargate do not condone nor advocate the use or solicitation of sex or drugs (but rock 'n roll is required). In the end, we felt the resultant comedy was worth publishing - and are plotting a short campaign of our own. Now, go check out Venger on Google+ if you're not familiar with his work, and Draconic Magazine here.
Dave, in between adventures: You were scavenging the last dregs of energy from a dying, metallic planet called Cybertron.
Space Wyndorf (Stormskull Dave): Hell yeah! I needed that.
Akros Sterling (8bit): How many credits was I paid for my role?
VS (GM): 400 credits. It was a non-speaking role.
Akros Sterling: XD rich
VS (GM): Dave, your character only made 100 credits.
Space Wyndorf: See, nobody is into this Energon stuff yet...but its' gonna be a big hit in the future
VS (GM): Yeah, around 1983. Both of you briefly re-introduce your characters.
Space Wyndorf: I'm Space Wyndorf, Ice Pirate and Wanted Fugitive...and this is my associate, Piney the Energon Being.
VS (GM): Sup, Hawk! (greeting Stormskull Hawk, who is late.) Piney, roll a d20 for me.
Akros Sterling: Akros Sterling. The bounty hunting Dire Space Wolf-aroo!
VS (GM): Piney, between adventures you were cruising the outer rim worlds looking for bi-sexual nymphomaniac models...Wow, you actually found some! Good for you. Indeed.
Space Wyndorf: One that didn't look like your ex-wife?
Piney (Stormskull Hawk): Indeed, one that doesn't look like my ex-wife.
VS (GM): Ok, you guys are in your starship with a couple droids and 2 reptilian humanoids (Silurians).
Space Wyndorf: These guys from the last jaunt? Whatever happened to our cargo?
Akros Sterling: "Hmm this does not look like the movie set. Perhaps I docked the wrong ship? Hmm" *Rubs his chin and looks perplexed and pondering.*
VS (GM): Yeah, you guys sold your cargo, made a bunch of credits, and joined forces with another crew. Then half of your crew got killed. This is what's left...
Space Wyndorf: I just notice Sterling for the first time, as I look and try to focus through the space smoke that constantly follows me
VS (GM): You made 1,100 credits from the ice you sold to a nearby desert planet.
Piney: Each or total?
VS (GM): Total.
Space Wyndorf: hmm a desert planet. they have good [REDACTED] there? Some people call me the [REDACTED] cowboy.
VS (GM): The best in the galaxy. Did you want to inhale some?
Space Wyndorf: Well, yeah, as much as possible - but we need at least 600 creds leftover lol
Sterling: "Ice Pirate and a [REDACTED] Cowboy? These titles are killing me. As long as the [REDACTED] flows, we should be fine. There are many credits to make off of [REDACTED]?"
Piney: Space has always been sort of an Ice Pirate, honestly
VS (GM): Space Lord, you feel incredibly fortunate... invulnerable, actually.
Space Wyndorf: I mean that's what i call myself but here lately it's been a lot of regular piracy. This is the time for Space Lord to DANCE!!
VS (GM): Are you going to your starship's dance floor?
Akros Sterling: "A pirate? Oh is there a bounty on your head, space-man?"
Space Wyndorf: "Probably, but it's also 4:00 somewhere." We have a dance floor? Hell yes!!
Akros Sterling: (the world is a dance floor)
Space Wyndorf: That's what I thought!
VS (GM): The droids customized your ship while you were buying [REDACTED].
Space Wyndorf: I thought i was on the dance floor lol but it's really the bridge.
VS (GM): Maybe both?
Space Wyndorf: YES. The bridge is now a disco. So when i go "onscreen" i can WOW people.
VS (GM): Piney, a communication is coming through on the console.
Piney: Disco disco bridge. I want to be on a disco bridge. I'll pause the music and blare up the transmission.
Space Wyndorf: We greet them with a song.
Akros Sterling: (nice space)
VS (GM): Ok, you get a visual of Grabba the Butt. He doesn't look too pleased.
Space Wyndorf: I leanover to Piney and ask: "Do we still owe him money or naaaaa...?"
Akros Sterling: *Howls at the sight of Grabba* "Arrooo! I've seen that Grabba before!"
VS (GM): "I need you scum to assassinate someone. Do this for me and I'll forget about the starship you stole from me."
Space Wyndorf: OH that was YOURS....sure. whos' dead?
Piney: *Whispers to Space* I don't think so. I think he's still mad you wouldn't let him grab your butt.
VS (GM): His name is Renner. He's a mercenary. You can find him on Dexor Prime.
Space Wyndorf: You want his funeral at your house or wherever we find him?
VS (GM): "I don't want him taken alive. Kill him on sight."
Space Wyndorf: Should we make a trideo or something? bring you some teeth?
Akros Sterling: "-- well if this will keep Grabba from trying to kill us, then so be it."
VS (GM): "A souvenir would be nice." You see Grabba grab the butt of one of his many slaves.
Space Wyndorf: Ok. I'll bring you his left butt cheek.
Piney: Grabba doesn't kill his victims. His ways are much more cruel.
Akros Sterling: "He certainly has a way of grabbin butts. That is all I can say about his ways"
VS (GM): "One last thing... he occasionally travels with a known associate named Darth Facepalm. Good luck, scumbags. You'll need it."
Space Wyndorf: "They told you we were crazy, didn't they? Just one intentional murder for the ship? That's cheap. I used to get paid 1 space rok per tooth. Knives, pistols, rifles and bombs."
VS (GM): What's the action?
Space Wyndorf: Our new album, Beatsticks & Piano-Wire is out next month.
Akros Sterling: (lol)
Space Wyndorf: I guess we're going to promote it on Dexor Prime.
Sterling tries to navigate to Dexor Prime
VS (GM): Is Sterling a pilot, too?
Sterling clicks buttons. Wags tail. Is not a pilot
Piney: *Shoos Sterling away* I got this sets course for Dexor Prime
Space Wyndorf: i give Sterling a space guitar and we record a new song, Blowout to the Butts
VS (GM): The ship's computer says, "Dexor Prime, here we come. ETA: one standard hour."
Space Wyndorf: that's exactly enough time to write and record a song
VS (GM): Grabba style! Yeah, it is.
Sterling snarls at the guitar and strums it.
Akros Sterling: "I'm more of a singer... " *howls*
VS (GM): Or do something else...
Space Wyndorf: LIKE THIS PILE OF [REDACTED]
VS (GM): Might as well do both!
Piney: "Just keep the Silurians away from the [REDACTED] or they'll be humping everything on Dexor Prime"
Space Wyndorf: Grabba done called up,
about some butts!
Now we gotta run and
do up some stuff!
Oh it's tuff!
...but that's how we afford the space muff!
Sterling spends the hour howling in an off-pitch. Playing an instrument that he is not used to.
Space Wyndorf: SOUNDS FUCKINGAMAZING.
Akros Sterling: ^
Akros Sterling: Sterling agrees and gains +1 friendship points with the space bard, ice pirate
VS (GM): Besides rocking out and getting stoned on [REDACTED], not much happens between now and when you enter Dexor Prime's orbit.
You lock coordinates with this Renner dude and the ship docks next to a domed city.
Space Wyndorf: I need to find a sonic blaster shaped like a guitar. What's the law look like? Are they friskin' us at the docks?
VS (GM): The ship's computer says, "Would you like me to find a retailer selling such a device?"
Space Wyndorf: Yes, please.
VS (GM): Pretty light security. This is a leisure center on a fairly tame planet. You don't see any Federation troopers, just planetary rent-a-cops.
Space Wyndorf: Hmm. Vibro-knife for me..but creds for a sonic blaster, hopefully.
VS (GM): "I found one. It's located half-a-parsec away in a store called Funky Paraphernalia."
Space Wyndorf: I lock that in the ships' coordinate bookmark bar.
Akros Sterling: Sterling pats his kangaroo pouch and pulls out a thermal detonator. He swaps the TD for a blaster also hidden in his pouch and checks its ammo.
Space Wyndorf: My kinda kangaroo.
VS (GM): You've got plenty of ammo and TDs.
Space Wyndorf: Let's get to the guy before we find out our Renner is our runner.
Akros Sterling: "You two ever heard of Darth Facepalm though? He may prove troublesome"
VS (GM): Once you exit the arrival/departure section, you find yourselves in the middle of a large party. There must be 500 people congregating here. You hear music, see colorful lights and people doing drugs, drinking, and occasionally having sex on the outer edges.
*Piney grabs his blaster and ammo and gets ready to rumble.*
Space Wyndorf: Hold up, yo...
Akros Sterling: ^
Space Wyndorf: ...do I smell a space spliff burning?
VS (GM): You do. And pulverized pink crystals being smoked not 10' away.
Space Wyndorf: Do we know EXACTLY where this guy is or do we need to find out?
VS (GM): You know that he's within 100' of you. Most likely somewhere in this large gathering.
Space Wyndorf: I ask the pink crystal guy if that's Frenzon, bruh
Piney: *Whispers to Space* Try to fit in all incognito and shit, but stay away from those crystals. We're going to need you to be on your toes.
Space Wyndorf: If that's Frenzon I'm gonna get some doffs for the lizards. we might need a diversion...
VS (GM): "Originally, yeah, then I refined it with urine from a sybaxian femroid. Now, it's the space bomb, yo!"
Space Wyndorf: I think to myself and try to remember if silurians love sybaxian method?
VS (GM): You're quite sure they do. In fact, S'sssszzsss was just talking about getting some.
Space Wyndorf: Trade for [REDACTED]?
VS (GM): "Sure, why not?"
Space Wyndorf: I got this fresh rolled from the dungheaps of whatever planet we were on
VS (GM): Squelch?
Space Wyndorf: Sure.
Piney: Only the best shit comes from where the hell ever.
Space Wyndorf: Planet Nevermind.
VS (GM): He gives you a small laser baggie full of crushed pink crystals swimming in a green solution. He takes your [REDACTED].
Space Wyndorf: I break it off for the lizzies, but tell them to wait. Frenzon is a class 1 combat drug and I don't want their hearts exploding or their eyes melting
VS (GM): What's Akros doing?
Sterling uses his bounty hunting skills to ask around and gain intel about Renner. Like what he might be doing or wearing at this event so Sterling can track him down
Space Wyndorf: Smacktards Anonymous.
VS (GM): No one knows him well. After several minutes, Akros finds someone who just acquired a couple girls for someone named Renner. He and the girls went into Cubicle Z-7.
Sterling scopes out the way to Cubicle Z-7.
Akros Sterling: Any chance we have communication devices? I'd give the others info that I might have an idea where Renner may be
VS (GM): You do have such devices and send a message. You're not sure if they received it, though.
Akros Sterling: ^
Piney: Did we receive it?
Akros Sterling: (depends if you care enough to check your social media / cellphones
Space Wyndorf: If at least one of us is, we snap to pretty quick. Piney is usually spot-on with that. He's usually sober
VS (GM): Meanwhile, Space Lord and Piney are being solicited by a couple of purple-skinned courtesans from New Uranus.
Akros Sterling: (lol)
VS (GM): You look down and see that there's a new message from Akros.
Space Wyndorf: We ask if they want to accompany us to a private party. Let's show up at the apartment with these girls.
VS (GM): Yes, they do. The girls follow you, keeping a close eye on your drugs.
Piney: I'll respond to the message. "Don't forget to find out information about his friend Darth Handjob"
Space Wyndorf: I got a plan. We walk up to the spot, pretending to be answering the call-girl call. But when we get there I [REDACTED] with frenzon and kick them through the door. Eh, plan?
VS (GM): All of you wind up in front of Cubicle Z-7 at the same time.
Piney: Sounds like a plan to me
Akros Sterling: is in the hall and notices the purple women. "This was not in the plan... but I am not arguing."
VS (GM): You [REDACTED] and kick them through the door. A human with short dark hair and an eye-patch is having sex with some green-skinned girl with tentacles. He's got her ankles behind her ears.
Space Wyndorf: Does he fit the description?
VS (GM): You think he fits the description.
Space Wyndorf: Good enough for me.
Piney: Where are her tentacles?? Nevermind.
Space Wyndorf: I was thinking same thing.
VS (GM): He welcomes the girls, but then sees you guys, rolls off the bed, and goes for his blaster. Meanwhile, a tall dark figure comes out of the closet - obviously Darth Facepalm.
Her tentacles are all over the place.
Space Wyndorf: I dive knife first at Facepalm's face.
Piney: I pull my blaster and get ready to deliver frontier justice on Renner.
VS (GM): Ok, everyone roll 2d6.
VS (GM): Holy shit!
VS (GM): Space Lord puts a large, bloody gouge in Darth Facepalm's face. Piney, you shoot Renner for 14 points of damage.
Akros, what were your individual rolls?
Akros Sterling: 4+5
VS (GM): Ok...
You do 6 points of damage to... who?
Akros Sterling: Doing a blaster shoot at the dude fucking the lady, aiming for his arse
VS (GM): You singe his ass hairs with your blaster.
Piney: That'll teach him
Akros Sterling: (IKR)
VS (GM): Renner blasts both you Piney and Akros.
Piney takes 1 point of damage.
VS (GM): Akros takes 4 points of damage.
Now for Space Lord! Darth Facepalm whips out his laser sword and attempts to cleave you in twain.
Space Wyndorf: I disco spin away...argh, MY ASS!!
VS (GM): Space Lord only takes 9 points of damage. You got relatively lucky. New round! Everyone roll 2d6 - remember, once per session you can steal the spotlight in order to double your dice pool -
Space Wyndorf: I steal a spotlight! I now perform a short dance that ends with my vibro knife in his guts.
Space Wyndorf: Evidently my ass hurts
VS (GM): Sterling, you missed.
VS (GM): Renner looks hurt bad, but he's still shooting from behind the bed he was fucking on only a minute before.
The dark zedi looks wounded but still in decent shape. Renner aims at Piney.
Piney: Can I steal the show on a defense?
VS (GM): Sure, roll 2d6.
VS (GM): You narrowly avoid his laser fire.
Piney: I want to dematerialize and rematerialize a shot ways avoid the attack
shot.
VS (GM): Ok, you do that. Facepalm is going for SL.
Space Wyndorf: Energy PUNK! OOOF...
VS (GM): OOF is right! SL takes 17 damage. He really felt that laser sword to the ribs.
VS (GM): You have 4 Health left.
Space Wyndorf: Word.
VS (GM): 30 Health. Ok, you guys can attack again.
Space Wyndorf: seeing a laser sword through my chest is the most metal thing ever
i cut his hand off
Piney: While I was rematerializing did I notice the amount of fuckery he is enuring?
enduring
VS (GM): Luckily, it cauterizes your wounds as it creates them.
Dio would be proud.
Space Wyndorf: This IS the cover of my next album, posthumous or not...seriously, his hand.
Piney: I am switching targets to Darth Facepalm.
Space Wyndorf: kinda woozy
VS (GM): You miss.
VS (GM): You did 5 points of damage to Facepalm. He's hurt pretty bad, but not out yet. Akros?
Akros Sterling: .-. I need to help!! I'd try to shove Darth Facepalm away from the team but also planting a 'sticky' TD to his chest as he staggers away.
VS (GM): He kicks the TD away from him, but a small piece of shrapnel strikes his thigh. He goes down to one knee, struggling to rip you guys a new asshole.
Sterling: (lol
VS (GM): SL, he's coming for you! Not good.
Space Wyndorf: Doom...it's not a party until someone explodes
Piney: Bro. I think you just got rolled up and smoked
Space Wyndorf: LOL
VS (GM): His laser sword comes down on you hard. He's severed your arm and swung around and decapitated you.
Renner's turn.
Space Wyndorf: My head exhales the biggest puff of space spliff smoke ever. but my shades don't fall off.
Akros Sterling: (lol)
VS (GM): Sterling, you take 9 points of damage. You also started with 30.
Akros Sterling: 12 should be my remaining hp i think.
VS (GM): Ok. You guys (remaining) can attack. They're both down to single digits.
Akros Sterling: [goes dire wolf-kangroo mode and tries to bite Darth's face off.] In my rage, I'd like some sort of bonus, stealing the show?
VS (GM): Ok, sure.
Akros Sterling: (trying hard to avenge space's death.)
VS (GM): Wow...
Akros Sterling: *Continues to roll ridiculous numbers*
Space Wyndorf: I'm totally inspiring.
Akros Sterling: o3o
VS (GM): And another 2d6.
Akros Sterling: rolling 2d6
Space Wyndorf: BRUH
Akros Sterling: IKR - Don't kill my friends.
Piney: Where was all this anger last round??
VS (GM): Shit, that was actually too much damage to add up (lazy GM).
Akros Sterling: XD no one died last round!
VS (GM): Indeed. Indeed. True.
Piney: I guess I'll try to finish off Renner. Darth looks pretty well done
Akros Sterling: 39 total damage. Bruh...just bit his head off.
VS (GM): Ok, whatever blaster fire was left over finished off Renner and some guy back in the party who looked at you funny and demanded you buy him a drink.
Piney: Rabid Kangaroo saves the day!
Space Wyndorf: Awww Yisss!
VS (GM): There's a chance that SL can be put back together if there's a space surgeon at the party.
Piney: But would his love for space spliffs remain?
Space Wyndorf: Just stick my head back on it will be fine.
VS (GM): I'm sure it would.
Piney: Indeed. It's only a flesh wound.
Space Wyndorf: Don't forget my arm! I need that to shred my space guitar
Piney: Right. Your arm. You're going to need to...
VS (GM): Are you guys asking around for a space doctor or something?
Space Wyndorf: Now i'm a voice in Piney's head
Piney: Indeed
Akros Sterling: (we must rebuild space pirate with a robot/cyborg body)
VS (GM): Ok, you find a medical officer.
Akros Sterling: (with [REDACTED]/drug dispencser
(and music machine built in
Space Wyndorf: Even robotocop had lungs and a brain
VS (GM): SL, do you want me to roll 2d6 or do you want to?
Space Wyndorf: Hehe you can
VS (GM): Your life depends on the results.
Space Wyndorf: I roll 1's
Akros Sterling: ^
Space Wyndorf: All the time
VS (GM): Ok, he's able to keep you alive - but you're going to need some spare parts. Welcome to cyborg land, Space Lord.
*Sterling cries and howls. Wipes tears with the back of his hand that holds a blaster.*
VS (GM): You have a synthetic (artificial flesh) right arm...
Space Wyndorf: I always wanted to be a cyborg
Akros Sterling: "I dont like many humans but you are not so bad. Im glad that you are still alive.
Piney: Right. now it'll till feel the same when you
Space Wyndorf: I write a song called Skinflute by Synthflesh in the hospital
VS (GM): And he was able to re-attach your head with a little bit of space salve. Did you take a souvenir? Besides near death?
Space Wyndorf: I was having an out of body experience at the time.
VS (GM): Did anyone else?
Piney: Well of course we snatched that sword up.
VS (GM): Ok, good. Now, you have a laser sword.
Space Wyndorf: Laserman wth laserblades! I produce Piney's first spoken word album.
VS (GM): Combined they had 600 credits on them. You guys made it to 3rd level. Hooray! That's game.
Space Wyndorf: I make sure Grabba sees my scars and new arm
Piney: Some people call him the [REDACTED] Cowboy. Some call him the pirate of ice. Some people call him headless. Cause he got it fucking cut off
VS (GM): Wow. That could actually be a song.
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| "That's not even HIS blood." |