For those who visit the house of paincakes, author Sinsynn, uses -_- a lot to express, well, -_-
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Today, Tony Abbott- the Oz Prime Minister handed out a budget which has more cuts on it than a bunch of self-harmers. Naturally in my political incorrectness and being the chaotically good fellow I am, I wrote a parody/review/summary based on the viewpoint of the PM (who really, is not a nice bloke- sexist and so on)
It may not seem as hilariously bad (in a black humour kind of way no, y'know grimdark) to those outside of Australia, but at least it'll give some insight as to the headless chickens we call the Australian Govt.
Here it is, almost verbatim as my older bro helped with a bit of syntax and stuff.Other than that I wrote all of it but credit where it's due, thanks Mark. Anyhow, enjoy:
The 2014/15 Budget: As Seen Through the Eyes of One T.Abbott.
The 2014/15 budget: Pre-ghost writer and spin-doctor. (Author’s note: The views held in the coming text are not mine, but a parody of Tony Abbott, who, quite frankly is a c**t and a w**ker and I don't know how he got into parliament. The following is meant to extract lols as this is pretty much the impression I got from reading 2014/15 Budget Overview)
On to the exciting revelations from the Budget:
All Australians are going to contribute to this, except Gina Rhinehart, the Packers, possibly Clive Palmer if he behaves himself, the other rich, politicians, my friends, their friends and some guy I met at the pub named Campbell.
Young Australians need to either earn, or learn before they qualify for Centrelink. This is to eradicate those who truly need the money by having them starve to death. This is the humane option as 12-guage shotguns require expensive cases.
We're increasing the pension age to 70, as we want you to work until you die. You ain't getting that super. Only we politicians can. No cash for you! This is in conjunction with indexing super via the CPI and not wages, therefore allowing us to fork out less money to you.
Public health and education will receive less funding in the States, as they need to become accountable for their spending. That'll learn 'em.
This is a good move as who needs an education and who gets sick these days? YOLO, bitches. We are, however, ensuring we can safely build safe roads for a long time. We like roads - they're black, like my heart.
We're cutting entitlements for the elderly - they'll be dead soon anyway. The Seniors Supplement has been cut, as Australia has an obesity crisis. Therefore, not allowing people to earn enough to eat solves this problem.
The Seniors Health Card is going to be harder to obtain, as we don't really think you're as old as you say you are. Or as sick. You look fine to me, put a bandaid on it. We're also cutting seniors concessions as we realised you were all adults once, so the adult fare you shall pay. We also want more money to line our pocke...I mean repair the budget, which was broken by the ALP and it's all their fault. Yes.
The Dependent Spouse Tax Offset will now be discontinued as we LNPs don't know whether we want your wife in the kitchen or in the workforce. This decision saves us $320 million, which will be put towards the next payrise. Not your payrise - mine.
Mature age workers will no longer receive any benefits but employers are now being offered bribes, entitled 'Restart' to remind them not to discriminate. This also applies to mature age workers who have been on disability support for 6 months onwards, as broken limbs aren't as bad as people make them out to be.
We have scrapped the Pensioner Education Supplement as you don't need an education, you just need to work. Until you die. That and get your kids to help you with your smartphone or what-have-you. The proposed 'Supporting Senior Australians: Housing Help For Seniors' program will not go ahead as we said (we lied) as we expect you to be old enough to find a place, or move in with your kids or that homeless guy I saw on the way here. The point of this is that we need to demolish your houses to make way for shopping centres, recreational coral bleaching centres, housing complexes and/or skyscrapers. Dainty little cottages are so 1930's.
Aged care providers no longer will receive the Aged Care Payroll Tax Supplement as old people are like dogs and we don't give dog owners a tax break. Cough up the cash now, please. We may or may not give some money to seniors when we scrap the carbon tax.
Let's face it, climate change and this "carbon dioxide" chemical doesn't exist and quite frankly, there are countries out there with more airspace than Australia so they should be the ones to take care of it.
As the baby boomers move towards retirement, we're trying to move that goalpost a little further away to try to milk them for all they're worth as it's considered poor form to have "accidents" happen to a large portion of your population.
Now all this may seem to be rather great, but the best news is still to come!
We're putting money into the private sector as our CEO buddies give us nice kickbacks and expensive wines. I mean, they don't give us wine. Or do they? I can't remember. We're having reforms to higher education as good grades aren't as good as a big wallet. Sorry smart-but-poor kids - you'll just have to live with being Chief Burger Flipper somewhere.
Defence and border protection are going to get a boost as we're super paranoid and we like to piss people off. Those boat people won't know what hit them.
Oh and some medical research budget thing, terribly boring I can assure you- it's science. And you know how we close-minded politicians feel about science. They say it encourages "intelligence" and "thinking outside the box". Gives me the chills, it does.
Until next year, when even more wonderful and enlightened decisions will be made.
Sincerely,
Tony Abbott, Supreme Executive Prime UNQUESTIONED Mighty OverWarLordMinister of Australia